The ugly truth about the toxic tactics of diet culture

For over a dozen years, I've been mixing movement and mental health to help women own their flawsomeness... and that's hard to do in a fitness world that is determined to make people (especially women) feel like crap about themselves.

You see, the lower someone's self-esteem, the less they believe in themselves, the easier it is to convince them they are the problem and lead them down a path of trying harder and harder to jump through impossible hoops. In an abusive relationship, this is for the purposes of controlling the other person. In the fitness industry, it is done for the money. 

See dieting and exercise, as they've been sold to you, simply don't work. And that is the point. The more it doesn't work, and the more you believe the reason it doesn't work is because you aren't good enough, the more time, effort, and $ you will spend trying to be good enough or find the right solution. 

I'm going to highlight some of the tactics used in toxic relationships and show you how diet culture mirrors those same techniques. And if it sounds like I am saying that we are all in abusive relationship with diet culture, I am!

The first tactic I want to talk about is gaslighting. Spinning tales to make you doubt your own reality! It's like the Big Bad Wolf trying to make Little Red Riding Hood second-guess her path through the woods. 

Gaslighting is a favourite tactic used by oppressors and often results in you feeling crazy because your reality is always being questioned. It keeps you feeling dependant on your abuser for survival. 

An example might be that an oppressor gets upset with you for not bringing milk home after work. They swear they asked you to pick some up (even though they did not) and you start to question whether or not you did actually forget (after all, you've been so busy lately - as the oppressor is quick to point out).

This shadow of doubt about what actually happened is the first step in the gaslighting manipulation game. Over time, it becomes easier and easier to have you second guessing your whole reality. 

The fitness industry gaslights us all the time when they say that losing weight is the only way to health... and that dieting works.

You can be healthy in a larger body or unhealthy in a smaller body. Weight loss is not a guarantee of a better life. And PS - small pink dumbbells will not make you 'toned' as they also like to promise.

Weight loss goals are different than health goals - sometime they coincide, but not always.

If we JUST look at physical markers, there are 6 measurements researchers use to determine health outside of weight - things like blood pressure, insulin resistance, inflammation markers

The research found that 47 percent of people classified as overweight by BMI and 29 percent of those who qualified as obese were healthy, as measured by at least five of those other metrics. Meanwhile, 31 percent of normal-weight people were unhealthy by two or more of the same measures.

Plus... and I cannot stress this enough... dieting does not work as a long term weight management solution. Even if weight loss was the path to health, diets are not the path to weight loss!

All the data shows this, and yet, the diet industry continues to convince you that you are the problem... that you don't have enough willpower.

Shifting goal posts is a trademark move of a narcissist. You find yourself walking on eggshells, blaming yourself, and turning yourself inside out to jump through the next impossible hoop. No matter what you do, it isn't quite right and even if you do manage to successfully complete one hoop jump, they then reveal the next one or tell you that first hoop was never there in the first place. (more gaslighting)

An example might be telling you that the tone of your voice is too patronizing for them to be able to have a rational conversation with you and you need to speak more 'normal' (a completely subjective adjective that leaves lots of room for you to still do it wrong - aka an impossible hoop).

But even if you try and you point out that you are trying, now you sound shrill and angry so you need to fix that... and patronizing doesn't sound like a word they would ever use anyway so clearly you made that up. 

Toxic tactics are insidious and mess with your mind. In diet culture fitness it sounds like, “This is what you should look like. This is what your BMI should be. This is what a 'healthy' body looks like.”

Impossible diet culture hoop jumps to make your body look a certain way. "Be toned, but not too muscled; be thin, but keep the curves"... wtf??

And what is super interesting is that throughout history, alongside every push towards equality, there has been a corresponding shifting of 'beauty' standards... new goals posts for us to fit between. A nifty way to keep women focused on their bodies instead of their lives and the rest of the world, huh?

Naomi Wolf says in her book, 'The Beauty Myth', that "A culture fixated on female thinness is not an obsession about female beauty, but an obsession about female obedience." 

Try the google experiment... google 'fit woman'. What do those images tell you about what a 'fit' woman is... and more importantly, what she ISN'T.

Most of the images we see are a ridiculous standard of fitness and require more discipline and time than the average person has.

Let me be clear... there is no 'right' way for a woman's body to look...no 'wrong' way either.

Here's a thought experiment... how would you feel about your body if nobody had ever told you what it is 'supposed' to look like?

In a toxic relationship with another human, you'll often hear how lucky you are that they are willing to be in your life and to love you, despite all the things you've got going against you or how hard you are to get along with. 

As long as you believe you are not good enough, you will be willing to do whatever it takes to prove you are good enough.

If you've ever been in a toxic relationship, you may recall a conversation near the beginning where the oppressor told you about their ex and all the ways the ex wasn't the right fit for them. They may have even been complimentary towards the ex and phrased things in a way that suggested it wasn't the ex's fault they weren't able to do the things your partner needed. They probably also told you how grateful they were that you were different... that all the ways in which the ex fell short, are all the ways in which you are amazing.  

"My ex just didn't have time to listen to my problems and wasn't very empathetic. But you are so good at listening and understanding me" 

And from then on you most likely tried to be even better at those things. Always giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to see their side of things... eventually to the point of disregarding your own feelings and needs. 

And when there is a disagreement, it becomes your fault for not being good enough at those things you used to do so well. So you listen harder and do everything you can not be the let down the ex was. You are determined to be good enough. 

The diet culture fitness industry uses the same 'not good enough' tactic. The messaging behind many fitness programs and gyms is that you are there because your body is not good enough and it needs to change. 

Now don't get me wrong... you may have health goals related to your body, and I'm not saying you can't or shouldn't have a body composition goal, but much of the messaging you hear around exercise is to sell you the idea that your body is not good enough, so that they can sell you the pricey solution. 

You might be wondering what the heck fitness is for if not to change your body?! The truth is that fitness has MANY benefits beyond weight loss or muscle gain.

One of them is priceless... the ability to reconnect with your body and build a healthier relationship with yourself. It can even help you balance your nervous system after trauma. This podcast episode may be helpful: 5 reasons to exercise that have nothing to do with changing your body

And the outside appearance of your body does not need to change for any of that. Your body needs compassion first. I have a podcast episode called The Fitness Needs Pyramid. Episode 44. It is worth a listen if this is resonating because it is where I suggest starting... not with change, but with awareness, connection, and acceptance. 

Yes, your body is designed to move. But fitness shouldn't be punishment for eating or relaxing on the couch. It can be a way to communicate with your body and build a truly healthy relationship for life. In essence, a couples counselling tool for you and your body..

I want to quickly cover 3 other tactics before finishing up this post, but I have a PDF that has all of this written down for you and you can grab it from my free empowerment vault at the end of this post.

In interpersonal relationships, these tactics often shows up as isolation and restricting access to outside sources of socialization, knowledge, or resources. If you don't know any differently, you are more likely to accept your situation as normal. 

Did you know that skipping meals is considered a disordered eating habit? So is working out as a means to burn the calories you just ate. Eliminating entire food groups like carbs or gluten. 

Disordered eating habits do not mean an eating disorder, but following restrictive dieting rules is the number one predictor of developing an eating disorder. Yet I am willing to bet that the 3 examples I just gave are things you have done, or hear about people doing, or accept as part of the being healthy lifestyle. At the very least, you'll find one or more disordered eating habits promoted as the thing to do in any given diet. 

And you may think calling it a disordered eating habit is harsh or inflammatory. These things are so commonplace they have become 'normal'. 

When we are isolated in a society that believes your body needs to look certain way, a society that rewards those who have that body and shames those who don't, we live in an us vs them place. 

Very often in the fitness world, we are told restriction and limited choices are the way to reach the goals you've been told you should want. This is what you have to do, in this order, in this way, regardless of how your body feels.

It asks you to restrict your food, your calories... what type of food you eat AND when you eat it... regardless of the hunger and fullness cues your body is sending you.

And side note, but have you ever noticed the air of superiority among certain types of diets, or fitness or workout wear? The fitness world can feel like a place where you have to 'prove' your commitment by following the restrictive rules. 

Blame and shame plus the threat of physical or emotional pain are the fifth and sixth abusive tactics I see mirrored by the diet culture industry. 

In relationships blame and shame sounds like...

• "Why did you stay?"
• "You must have known what would happen"
• "Let's go over your side and see where you might have sent mixed signals"
• "How much did you have to drink?"

In diet culture it sounds like,

• "Why don't you just stop eating junk?"
• "Your body wouldn't hurt so much if you'd just lose weight"
• "Let me look at everything you've eaten so I can tell you what you did wrong"
• "How much did you have to drink?"

And can I remind you that all the rules you are supposed to follow are based on research from male bodies. So if you are in a female body, expanding your intermittent fasting window more and more because you just aren't getting results the same as your bf or brother or male co-worker, blaming yourself because the studies say this should work... pause for a moment and reflect on the fact that the small amount of research we do have on fasting and female bodies, shows that it does not work the same way. 

Which brings us full circle back to gaslighting.

Imagine a product that only worked for 5% of people who tried it. Imagine that product diminishing your enjoyment of life and being told that if you want to be among the elite 5% of “successful” people, you will have to maintain your suffering literally forever (your whole entire life).

Imagine that product claiming that even though 95% of people are not getting the desired and promised result from that product, there are no refunds because it is actually you who is the problem - you aren’t using it properly.

The product then goes a step further to not only say you are the problem, it shames and labels you as lazy, greedy, unmotivated, weak, stupid, and all other manner of nastiness.

Imagine people lining up to buy this product in every variation offered. Now reread all that with the word ‘diet’ instead of ‘product'.

Diets don't work for most humans. Period. But the research we do have is mostly done on male bodies (94% of it in fact). So the next time you feel like blaming yourself, take a step back and consider if there might be a better way. I believe there is and I'm here to help you find it.

At KICKASS LIFE PROJECT, my mission is to help women feel sassy, sexy, and strong without diet culture pressures.

Basically, I offer couples counselling between you and your body, your past, your inner critic thoughts.

I can't guarantee you'll wake up a rainbow farting goddess of perfection, but it's good to have goals, right? 

Bottom line is You are not the problem; you never have been. The fitness industry keeps rewrapping the same diet principles despite overwhelming evidence that they do not work.

I call it the "Blame-the-Blue-Dress Cinderella" saga. Surround yourself with people who understand that health is a multifaceted jewel, not a rigid mold to be forced into.

And no matter what, remember this... you're still on; keep riding.